There are others going through what you are. It may not be the same exact way but its the same overall situation. Please don’t ever feel like you are the only one. There’s support out there regardless of the thoughts going through the mind.
I’ve had situations were it seemed so isolated (health/child situations) and I had no idea where to turn to ask questions or even discuss feelings that someone else might relate too. I felt alone and distant but fighting with my all for the best. I never gave up. I was persistent over long spans of time even though I was tired. It was all about moving forward until I found the right avenues needed.
As soon as helpful avenues were found, I knew I was not alone. I was just like all the others in the environment I entered. I too was doing what I could and so were they. All of a sudden there was positive hope knowing that opening up to the others, who can relate, was a beautiful thing regardless of the unfortunate situation that brought us together.
It was one relatable thing that had many differences to share and learn from. The isolated, alone, and distant feeling was now a seed that had starting growing and blooming. The situation became a blessing.
You are not alone. Find your avenue.
Most people don’t think about what a child might have endured in the first 5 years of life. Maybe the child had a full year of speech delay which then leaves them catching up with how to hone behaviors and communicate properly. On top of that, maybe the trauma of one parent completely abandoning the child plays a factor. There’s so many scenarios that noone thinks of but look at the situation with disgust.
I’m here to say that, I’m a parent fighting for my child’s wellbeing. I’ve heard lots of “no’s” from people who could’ve helped. I’ve also endured people saying that the kid needs to be better next time they are in our presence. Please know that these are terrible things for a parent fighting for their kid to hear. This is not a displepend problem, it’s a child trying to figure out grownup feelings at the ripe age of 5 that most of us can’t even process successfully in adulthood. If you’re not here to try to understand or be positive support for fighting parents and child then please get out of the way. These parents are on a mission to help the child process real life so they can be the best version of themselves.
To the parents reading this that are fighting for the best, I’m proud of you! Keep being the greatest for your kid.
Dear Absent Parent
The primary parent isn’t focused on contacting you to make sure you talk, see and have plans with your biological child. Our focus is on the well being of our child from day to day. It is your responsibility to have a relationship with your child and not ours. If you haven’t reached out in a while then suck up your pride and do it for the child. If that child doesn’t want to talk to you then you may want to evaluate your actions and get it fixed especially if you care for your child. Blaming the primary parent for your lack of presence is an excuse and not acce5ptable. If you want to be present, figure it out and be there because the primary parent doesn’t say they can’t do it, they get it done.
Society has a way to label everything. In this particular case, it evolves separated parents and a child. Usually the main care taker is demeaned as greedy and spiteful as where the other part time care taker or inactive parent is demeaned as the victim. In some cases this may be true however I find so many people automatically default to this conclusion prior to even learning that each party has a different experience.
Right off the bat I want you to know, as a reader, that this is not to bash the other party. I actually wish the other well and I hope that more positive will prevail soon. This is to simply filter through my own thoughts. Here’s a little about what I’m processing…
I am an active parent for my son and I’m continuously looking out for his welling being including what he interacts with on a daily basis that will hone his foundation for a positive future. I am going through a tough time as a single parent (all worth it). The father leads a negative lifestyle and is not active. I also want to say that I’m not keeping the father from being active even though I fear the father. I fear him due to past happenings however I want to protect my son so I’m doing what I know is right for him.
I struggle as an active parent because I don’t know how one can decide to not be an active parent. My thoughts say that at least it’s safe due to no direct presence and the negative influence will not feed into my son’s foundation for a positive future. In my other thoughts, my heart hurts for my son because the father doesn’t want to be a dad. I also feel intermediate anger (not spite or revenge) that there’s not even a tiny piece of effort on his part to see or reach out to his child. I hope that my feelings of heartache/anger are normal however I’ll continue to be a strong/positive influence for my son. I do know that the father’s priorities in life are different than mine and maybe this is the simple answer…Priorities are different.
I know that I’m not the only active parent who has this similar case and maybe I’m not meant to understand why inactive exists. I have to say though, I wish society would be more kind with understanding different positions because even though I selected him to be a father, he currently is not the same person I selected from the beginning. I really wish the father to be a dad with or without being in a relationship with me but that is not my decision. He has to want to be active and he has to want to be a positive influence.
In the bigger picture of things, I know things will work out for the best and my feelings I struggle with daily motivate me to be the best mom I can ever be. I could only hope that others who are two active/semi active parents will work together for their kid because they are blessed to both want and have the opportunity. They should make the best of it. As for people who aren’t parents, I could only hope that they don’t take societies labels as the norm or use naïve statements because everyone knows that who can make one may not be suitable to raise one. For those who are the only active parent like me, you are not alone and you can do this. Your child loves you more than you know.
I may not have filtered my own thoughts to where I wanted them and I may have taken 3 days to write this which wasn’t easy but my thoughts are shared and I can reflect.
Be strong, move forward, be the best positive you that you can be – struggle & strength
Day in and day out I hear about people’s worries/reactions and the impact it is having on them. I don’t like to disregard how they feel but sometimes they need to be told that the subject at hand “doesn’t matter”. I’m talking about stuff that becomes huge which didn’t need to be.
One example is an argument over who uses the small Kleenex packet in the car and neither could agree it was theirs or why it was present. All I could think to myself is I wish I had these kinds of problems to worry about but then again it’s not worth the energy. I don’t want to seem non-sympathetic but let’s put this in perpective.
Did you wake up this morning? Do you have a life threatening condition? Are you going through a long drawn out court battle? After asking questions like this to yourself, is a Kleenex packet that serious? Let it go.
I find that most people will worry or react to the simplest things and I have to say pick/choose your battles wisely. In the end you decide what you spend your energy on. If you think that Kleenex packet is that important compared to everything else then by all means spend it but for me that Kleenex packet is a reminder not to over react or worry about the small stuff.
Be humble, be grateful and choose your battles because sometimes it doesn’t matter.
Why are people still friends after they have learned some of their friend’s imperfect life styles or moments? Why would one want to keep in contact with someone who has done or are doing something that you wouldn’t do? Maybe the simple answer is because we are imperfect too.
Over my lifetime, I’ve had people share things with me about themselves that could be classified as “frowned upon” or “extremely sensitive subjects”. I’m not sure why these things are shared but I’m glad that the people felt comfortable enough to engage in those types of conversations. As I learned the imperfect moments or life styles of others, I could have walked away, not be a friend or maybe even told their truth to others however I didn’t, haven’t and still will not. I find that we are all imperfect and as long as their choices don’t directly affect my life then it’s not for me to make a decision on. Maybe they just hurt or just need a person to listen to understand or maybe they need advice. Either way, what they need in that moment of time is an open mind/heart with no judgement.
Most important, my views or actions don’t need to change by listening to another’s imperfection. Honestly, we can’t begin to understand people if we don’t listen and learn from the person’s point of view. It’s also ok to be imperfect and it’s ok to be a friend to an imperfect person. Learn, grow and be the positive supporter if they are seeking comfort. You may learn something for yourself too because we are all imperfect.
Understanding people’s perspectives is such a hard thing to boggle in one’s mind. What one person does that they think is thoughtful maybe presented to you as thoughtless. I don’t believe that people evaluate situations thoroughly even to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. We should practice pausing. Pause, evaluate feelings and respond after reviewing if needed at all.
I had a longtime friend, whom I hadn’t had a real connection with in years, reach out to me the manner that seemed harmless. It was probably an attempt to go forward and I’m sure they meant well however the way I received it was probably not how they intended it. The reaching out made me upset. This person had hurt me so badly that our friendship went to the wayside. Over the passing years I had apologized to this person for things that I didn’t need to apologize for. I had literally put all the past behind me to move on to another chapter in my life because apologies didn’t seem to make a difference. I also felt that I’d never receive one in return.
At first I couldn’t wrap my head around why I was so upset. Was it because the reach out said thank for being a friend and not an apology back? I couldn’t help but think, why did you send this to me? After I went through emotions and a long pause moment, I realized that maybe just maybe that this person had no idea how much they had hurt me. This was their way of looking through their perspective of how things stood. This was them closing the door on what once was and possibly attempting to open a new door for the future. After I evaluated, I decided to knowledge the gift. I don’t need ask for an apology. I don’t need to say how much it hurt me. I don’t need to be awful in a reply. I just simply needed to respond in saying thank you.
When it was all said and done, the person was happy I received it and that I acknowledged receiving it. I truly believe this person had no clue of the damage nor did they intend to be thoughtless. I also think that they don’t need to know the extent of the damage that was. It’s not worth reopening because life has moved on.
In the long run, I’m just actually thankful they took the time to create and send and that I waited to process before replying. It’s all about understanding your emotions and their perspective prior to being responsive. Be proactive and not reactive. Pause and evaluate. Learn before speaking.